Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Once there were BFGs

Aye well. The usual Christmastaehogmanay blog-lull is in progress (fuck me I sound like I've been doing this for fucking years) and time and money has been spent appeasing distant relatives and scoffing fruit-cake like a mad badger (if you've ever been appeased by a mad badger you'll know what I mean).

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. But I wouldn't hold me breath if I was you. Its getting harder and harder to lever some quality keyboard time into my schedule what with ligging (50%), schmoozing (30%), flouncing (10%) and hollering (5%) taking up most of my waking hours. And the rest is studying for exams.

Why do you have to STUDY for exams eh? If the buggers that get paid to teach you taught you right then you'd be able to learn all you need to know in class. But they deliberately fill the fucking curriculum with trivia. Like what geological era comes after the Jurassic (the Teratogenic, if you really want to know), and like exactly why is cold fusion not a good idea (your buttocks get frozen to the bus-shelter wall). It's all designed to keep us off the streets in the evenings so it is.

Well fuck 'em. I've got better things to do with my spare time in 2008:

1. Start using the Chinese calendar so the New Year doesn't start until February 7th. Then I can gloat over everyone failing to live up to their New Years resolutions before I even start mine. Why do people even TRY to have New Years Resolutions anyway? The average human being has about as much willpower as Elvis Presley in a pie-shop. It's a surefire recipe for spending the rest of the year up to your eyebrows in guilt. I guess you got to be either Catholic or Jewish to appreciate it.

2. That reminds me. Eat better pies. Ones that don't squeak when you bite them.

3. Foment a Blogwriters Guild of Myspace strike until Rupert gives us all a percentage of his advertising revenue. This is purely free content we're giving him here. Just look at them adverts at the bottom of the page. Do you think I put them there? Do you? Ha! Rupert and Tom are sitting there in their jacuzzis smoking their cigars, slurping martinis and fondling each others nipples as they watch the cash roll in - kaching! And all we gots is kudos. You can't even use them on Second Life.

4. Ditch fucking ProTools and download Cakewalk Sonar off bittorrent. Install the fucker. Put boot through screen when the fucking soundcard driver refuses to talk to Sonar as well. Drink heavily. Talk to bloke in pub. Aha! Download new soundcard driver. Listen to Mr Simon Mason in glorious technicolor. Yessss. Pound keyboard into dust when Sonar still won't fucking play through it. Finally, read instructions. Tweak Options/Sound/Advanced to use the MMR option on the driver instead of VSD and finally FINALLY hear something. Resolve to actually record something in the (Chinese) new year.

5. Debigulate. Not too rapidly mind. Glaswegian lasses might think I was infringing their copyright. All this sitting around studying, in bars, is causing us to lose definition on the old 7-pack.

Aye. Well that's enough New Years resolutions for now. I'm off out to accomplish number 2 right now. See ya!

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I was wracked with Gelt at the time

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