Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Cadbury Crumbles

As I jogged into the gym this morning I couldn't help noticing the ashen looks on the faces of the Cadbury Schweppes crowd. What's more, CEO Todd Stitzer didn't respond to my wet towel flicks with the usual gratifying squeals of "Security! Security!" but cowered in the corner and burst into tears.

"Funny" I thought. "Funny". I wondered if the rumour about Marianne Faithfull and the Mars Bar - something that Cadbury has been trying to pour scorn upon for nigh on forty years - had finally been verified. Cadbury's thick-as-fucking-pigshit publicity-mongers would dearly love it to be known that it was in fact a Yorkie bar that found its way into Miss Faithfull's tender snatch that fateful evening in February 1967, despite the fact that the Yorkie Bar was not invented until 1976 and is actually made by Nestlé.

I must admit I was not particularly arsed to know why Stitzer and his squirming minions were in such a craven mood, but as I jogged out of the gym and into WH Smugs for the Daily Sport, a headline on the front page of the pink'un caught my eye: "Cocoa costs drive up chocolate prices".

Fuck me so that's why all the mascara was getting streaked. Competition from new producers in India and China is driving up the price of raw materials and peasant farmers in Central America and Africa are getting paid more.

Its enough to give an oligarch nightmares. They're being squeezed out of the low end of the market by emerging economies and excluded from the top end of the market by the class-act chocolatiers in Belgium and Switzerland. There's nowhere left to go but the ever-narrowing groupie vagina market (that doesn't sound quite right). And of course the novelty market for fat kids who will eat owt.

This blog was mirrored from MySpace.

I was feeling besmirched at the time

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