The Interests of McBFG

I'm very interested in talking complete bollocks, but I don't think I'm going to make a living out of it. Like, I'm not going to give up the day job which is fitting the arseholes on hamsters in the Rodentwerke factory at Schweinhausen (Whitehaven). My mama told me, whoa yeah, she dun gone and told me, that if I didn't like it, I could just stick it where the sun don't shine. For most of my life I've been doing that to anything I didn't like, and that is why I'm so big. And why I can't sit down. But people they listen to me, and nobody has told me to shut up so they must like what I'm saying. Some people take a real shine to bollocks. Erm. Where was I?

Music that doesn't make us spew

Anything by Napalm Death, or Borderline Boilers, or erm S C R O T U M, or the Arse Bandits. And anything that hasn't been played by Chris Moyles. Now there's someone that I'd like to stick where the sun don't shine, but the little sucker runs too fast for me to catch him.


I am a bit of a hoofer me and I bring a unique whiff of French culture to the free-flowing movements of the Ballet Dilbert, which is where I spends most of my spare time, tossing ballerinas.


What? I thought I heard somebody say "television". Oh right. I don't fucking GET television. Why sit in front of a little box every evening watching people getting into car crashes and slaying vampires and chucking rocks at French policemen when you could be out there doing all that yourself? Or chucking vampires at French policemen.


This season Andre is modelling Unipart spares - he is wearing Renault Tawdri hubcaps with just a hint of high performance gear oil, and sports a fucking geet beetle bonnet where his leotard is riding up.

Books I Wish I had of Written, like

"The importance of being Ernie", "Lady Windermere's Fanny", "Doreen Grey", stuff like that. Oscar Wilde was the greatest prose-poet the English language has ever seen, and he was like "I'm much wittier than fucking Wordsworth" which really killed me. If I wasn't French and he wasn't dead I would of invited him round so I could sample some of his epigranates at first hand, so to speak.


Barbara Streisand. Anybody who can turn a conk like that into a status symbol deserves my vote. I got enough oversize organs to capsize a horse so I need all the role models I can get. Oh, and Dolly Parton.

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