Thursday, 25 November 2010

Hadrians Wallmart #4

Greed-powered bicycle

Say goodbye to pauper pedalling misery!

Leading scientists have discovered that the power that drives our economy can also drive your bicycle! Just attach your futures portfolio to the interface on our specially designed bike, and let monetarism do the rest!

With a gear ratio to suit every GDP!
Choice of: Switzerland, America, Eurozone, Thailand, Myanmar, Zimbabwe or Cumbria.

Turd Phaser

Fed up of walking Fido home with a bag of doggy-doo in your pocket? Put this little phaser in your pocket instead and walk home with a smile on your "phace". Vaporises up to 5 kg of canine faeces in 5 seconds with 2 handy settings: "Kill", or "Stun".

Warning: Do not use in classrooms, army recruiting offices, Justin Bieber aftershow parties or other confined spaces.

Screaming Vegetables

Vegan friends getting you down with their "holier than thou" eating habits? Give them a taste of their own medicine when they come round for dinner! Serve our specially-bred Audible Greens™ and watch their faces fall when they fork a sprout.

Our 57 varieties emit a variety of vocal responses to cutlery-molestation, from a whimper to a piercing scream that can be heard three blocks away.

Others who bought this item also bought: "Four-course herbal funeral", "Quivering Quorn", "Recently-deceased Radishes"

Giant iPad

See Stephen Fry turn beige with envy when you whip out your Giant iPad at the next Microsoft charity fundraiser! Don't force people on the other side of the room use binoculars to see how cool you are - get yourself a REAL status symbol! A full 2 feet by 4 and finished in finest PVC with beige highlights, the Giant iPad comes with its own dashboard mount.

Look at these specs! 512k RAM, 40Mb hard disk, RS232 port AND free Windows ME operating system!

Joined-up Government

Looking for a Christmas present for the bureaucrat in your family? Look no further! This construction kit will give her hours of educational fun as she tries to link the different ministries into a seamlessly efficient public service machine.

The challenge? This puzzle has never yet been completed!
The prize? A white-tie dinner for three with David Cameron and his poodle!

Great Balls of Fire

Yes! You too can own a completely genuine set of Great Balls of Fire™. Mined from the very same lode that Jerry Lee Lewis discovered in 1956 and kept secret until today. Watch the envy on the faces of your friends when you turn down the lights in your living room and your very own Great Balls of Fire™ curl round their ankles!

Government Health Warning: Frequent use of Great Balls of Fire may lead to an appearance of the Great Penis of Fire

Hog pheromones

  Does your motorbike turn the girls heads - the other way?

Say goodbye to crap scooter misery with a sprinkle of our double-distilled Harley Davidson pheromones. Extracted humanely from the engorged sex-glands of testosterone-packed superbikes, these pheromones are completely undetectable by all* except extremely good-looking rich girls.

*and hairy bikers

Couch potato weight loss program.

All it takes is one call! Our highly-curved hookers will come round to your house and fuck you solid, then our heavily-armed pimps will point out you haven't paid and fuck you over. Afterwards our hardly-qualified accountant will fuck your wallet dry and confiscate all the beer in your fridge. All on the comfort of your own couch as you watch WWF!

Don’t get fat, get fucked!

Coming soon!!!

• Cable beer - up to 256 bps wherever our service extends.
• String-theory vest - as worn by physicists. Non-stain. Really.
• Everlasting toilet roll - Moebius technology
• Michael Jackson spare parts (unused)

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Twelve Top Tips for Tightwads

1. Make your own designer sunglasses by gluing the bottoms off beer bottles onto a SCUBA mask.

2. Kitchen cupboards overflowing with empty screw-top jars and ice-cream cartons? Simply gather everything into a large plastic bag (there's one in the bottom drawer on the left), and carefully place in the garbage bin when your partner isn't looking. If questioned, claim that you took them to the charity shop and they are now in Somalia holding packed lunches for disabled schoolkids.

3. Always carry a kitchen chair while shopping. You may meet a lion.

4. Suffering from conjunctivitis and can't stop rubbing your eyes? Tie one end of a two-foot length of cotton thread around your finger and the other end around your penis. Every time you raise your hand to rub your eyes you'll be reminded not to. It helps if you wear a kilt.

5. Homeless people: broaden your horizons! Do you know that it costs even less to be homeless in Lagos than it does in London?

6. Owner of the Taj Curry house on Union Street? Why not clean your fucking toilets once in a while?

7. Irritated by kilt-wearing perverts on public transport who keep pulling on strings tied to their genitalia when they think nobody's watching? When they get up to leave, simply trip them up. They'll throw their hands out to break their fall . The results make handy barbecue nibbles.

8. Turn your snorkel into a vibrator by popping a small rattlesnake inside

9. Blokes! Think that you might be gay but afraid to take the plunge "just in case"? Simply glue a moustache on your wife and encourage her to stick her fist up your anus while whistling Rufus Wainwright songs. Note: the fake moustache and encouragement may not be necessary if your wife is French.

10. Home-owners: broaden your horizons! Do you know that it costs even less to buy a home in Lagos than it does in London?

11. If you ever need to remember something, why not try writing it down?

12. Itching to meet Barack Obama? Go to the nearest shopping centre, turn left at Aldi, go into Homebase and get one of them brass house numbers, some white-out and a felt-tip pen. Use the white-out and pen to change the name of your road to "Downing Street", then stick a number ten on the rusting Ford Mondeo in your front garden. Heads of state will be flocking to YOUR house instead of that cunt Cameron. Don't forget to feed the paparazzi.

Next week: Andre shows you how to refurbish your bathroom using nothing more than a blowjob.