1. Make your own designer sunglasses by gluing the bottoms off beer bottles onto a SCUBA mask.
2. Kitchen cupboards overflowing with empty screw-top jars and ice-cream cartons? Simply gather everything into a large plastic bag (there's one in the bottom drawer on the left), and carefully place in the garbage bin when your partner isn't looking. If questioned, claim that you took them to the charity shop and they are now in Somalia holding packed lunches for disabled schoolkids.
3. Always carry a kitchen chair while shopping. You may meet a lion.
4. Suffering from conjunctivitis and can't stop rubbing your eyes? Tie one end of a two-foot length of cotton thread around your finger and the other end around your penis. Every time you raise your hand to rub your eyes you'll be reminded not to. It helps if you wear a kilt.
5. Homeless people: broaden your horizons! Do you know that it costs even less to be homeless in Lagos than it does in London?
6. Owner of the Taj Curry house on Union Street? Why not clean your fucking toilets once in a while?
7. Irritated by kilt-wearing perverts on public transport who keep pulling on strings tied to their genitalia when they think nobody's watching? When they get up to leave, simply trip them up. They'll throw their hands out to break their fall . The results make handy barbecue nibbles.
8. Turn your snorkel into a vibrator by popping a small rattlesnake inside
9. Blokes! Think that you might be gay but afraid to take the plunge "just in case"? Simply glue a moustache on your wife and encourage her to stick her fist up your anus while whistling Rufus Wainwright songs. Note: the fake moustache and encouragement may not be necessary if your wife is French.
10. Home-owners: broaden your horizons! Do you know that it costs even less to buy a home in Lagos than it does in London?
11. If you ever need to remember something, why not try writing it down?
12. Itching to meet Barack Obama? Go to the nearest shopping centre, turn left at Aldi, go into Homebase and get one of them brass house numbers, some white-out and a felt-tip pen. Use the white-out and pen to change the name of your road to "Downing Street", then stick a number ten on the rusting Ford Mondeo in your front garden. Heads of state will be flocking to YOUR house instead of that cunt Cameron. Don't forget to feed the paparazzi.
Next week: Andre shows you how to refurbish your bathroom using nothing more than a blowjob.