Thursday, 25 November 2010

Hadrians Wallmart #4

Greed-powered bicycle

Say goodbye to pauper pedalling misery!

Leading scientists have discovered that the power that drives our economy can also drive your bicycle! Just attach your futures portfolio to the interface on our specially designed bike, and let monetarism do the rest!

With a gear ratio to suit every GDP!
Choice of: Switzerland, America, Eurozone, Thailand, Myanmar, Zimbabwe or Cumbria.

Turd Phaser

Fed up of walking Fido home with a bag of doggy-doo in your pocket? Put this little phaser in your pocket instead and walk home with a smile on your "phace". Vaporises up to 5 kg of canine faeces in 5 seconds with 2 handy settings: "Kill", or "Stun".

Warning: Do not use in classrooms, army recruiting offices, Justin Bieber aftershow parties or other confined spaces.

Screaming Vegetables

Vegan friends getting you down with their "holier than thou" eating habits? Give them a taste of their own medicine when they come round for dinner! Serve our specially-bred Audible Greens™ and watch their faces fall when they fork a sprout.

Our 57 varieties emit a variety of vocal responses to cutlery-molestation, from a whimper to a piercing scream that can be heard three blocks away.

Others who bought this item also bought: "Four-course herbal funeral", "Quivering Quorn", "Recently-deceased Radishes"

Giant iPad

See Stephen Fry turn beige with envy when you whip out your Giant iPad at the next Microsoft charity fundraiser! Don't force people on the other side of the room use binoculars to see how cool you are - get yourself a REAL status symbol! A full 2 feet by 4 and finished in finest PVC with beige highlights, the Giant iPad comes with its own dashboard mount.

Look at these specs! 512k RAM, 40Mb hard disk, RS232 port AND free Windows ME operating system!

Joined-up Government

Looking for a Christmas present for the bureaucrat in your family? Look no further! This construction kit will give her hours of educational fun as she tries to link the different ministries into a seamlessly efficient public service machine.

The challenge? This puzzle has never yet been completed!
The prize? A white-tie dinner for three with David Cameron and his poodle!

Great Balls of Fire

Yes! You too can own a completely genuine set of Great Balls of Fire™. Mined from the very same lode that Jerry Lee Lewis discovered in 1956 and kept secret until today. Watch the envy on the faces of your friends when you turn down the lights in your living room and your very own Great Balls of Fire™ curl round their ankles!

Government Health Warning: Frequent use of Great Balls of Fire may lead to an appearance of the Great Penis of Fire

Hog pheromones

  Does your motorbike turn the girls heads - the other way?

Say goodbye to crap scooter misery with a sprinkle of our double-distilled Harley Davidson pheromones. Extracted humanely from the engorged sex-glands of testosterone-packed superbikes, these pheromones are completely undetectable by all* except extremely good-looking rich girls.

*and hairy bikers

Couch potato weight loss program.

All it takes is one call! Our highly-curved hookers will come round to your house and fuck you solid, then our heavily-armed pimps will point out you haven't paid and fuck you over. Afterwards our hardly-qualified accountant will fuck your wallet dry and confiscate all the beer in your fridge. All on the comfort of your own couch as you watch WWF!

Don’t get fat, get fucked!

Coming soon!!!

• Cable beer - up to 256 bps wherever our service extends.
• String-theory vest - as worn by physicists. Non-stain. Really.
• Everlasting toilet roll - Moebius technology
• Michael Jackson spare parts (unused)


  1. First! Heheheheh! Hehehehehehehehe! HEEEEEEHEEEHEHEHEHHE!


  2. "free Windows ME operating system!"

    I'll buy a dozen.

  3. Sorry - I just discovered what they are worth on Antiques Roadshow.

  4. "I never thought there'd ever be a bigger piece of elitist shit than the iPad, but now there's the Giant iPad...Thanks, Steve Jobs!" Testimonial #3,497,001